Listen for the Why

Speaking and Standing

In the age of “speaking our minds” and “standing our ground,” I’ve found there is beauty in the art of listening and understanding. We are highly interdependent, relational beings, but our need to be heard struggles when there is an inability to hear. While it is true that we certainly need to be heard and express our thoughts and concerns, I’m fascinated by those who genuinely seek first to listen and hear and understand. Disagreements between two non-listeners will remain unsettled and often further entrench those involved in the discourse. It seems many believe that the best way to be heard is to increase one’s volume and repetition. It is discouraging to hear people so quickly disregard and even become enraged by opposing views. When we take statements at face value, we miss an opportunity to see the deeper level of where those thoughts and statements come from. We miss an opportunity to learn. We miss an opportunity to connect. The door of communication cannot be opened with volume and repetition. Hearing and being heard requires open minds and common ground.

The Why of the What

True listening softens hearts. The speaker is heard, the listener hears. And true listening hears the why behind the what. All too often, communication suffers because certain words and thoughts trigger emotions that affect our listening and misguide our attention. Good listeners ask good questions. Questions that seek to find “the why” of someone’s beliefs that lie below the surface rather than “the what” of their beliefs that we see and hear clearly. Good listening with good questions is actually much more helpful and much more humanizing. There is no need to call names, make assumptions, or put up walls. The need is to look beyond our disagreements. When we approach our conversations with deep listening, seeking the why, we affirm and validate the speaker. This allows us to simultaneously gain insight and credibility. Speakers know when they are being heard when listeners ask good questions. Even if there is disagreement, it can be peaceful disagreement when both speaker and listener communicate, validate, and build trust first.

To Be Heard, Hear

We need to rethink “speaking our minds” if we truly wish to be heard. The door of communication is unlocked with the key of listening. We also need to rethink “standing our ground” if we plan to move forward in any meaningful way. Together, united in our shared humanity. Do we want to be heard? Let’s listen. Do we want compassion? Let’s be compassionate. Do we want validation? Let’s offer validation. Thoughts and beliefs change and evolve over time. We are not the same people we were a year ago, and we will be quite different next year. We change. Our need to build relationships, be heard, and connect does not. Let’s remember that about ourselves, and let’s remember that about each other. Open some doors. Find some common ground. Look beyond the what. Listen for the why. This is love. Listening. Hearing. Building relationships that allow us to be heard, and relationships built with open hearts and common ground are a powerful way to love others...as we love ourselves.

I hope you were listening.

Photo by Harli Marten on Unsplash